A Grief Observed

Last Monday, with another trip to the hospital, my father in-law was given "hours, days, or maybe weeks" to live. Two months seem such a luxury in comparison with the constant spectre of death that now looms.

In this context I read A Grief Observed, by C.S. Lewis. This is a very personal book of his reflections after his wife died. His questions and wanderings are so honest and sincere...and painful.

He asks about what really happens to our loved ones who die. If they are to go to a place where they are happy, does that mean they don't miss us? If they are happy all of the time...that would be quite a transition. What exactly happens? Where are they?

He also asks the age old question of why suffering and pain exist. Is God loving and good? How does a loving and good God allow so much suffering? How different is it to trust in a God, when you know very well He will allow suffering and pain. This is a challenge. In the Problem of Pain, C. S. Lewis detailed very thoroughly why there is pain...simply put if we are capable of loving and feeling love we must also be capable of hurting and feeling pain. That book is so neat and philosophical, so long as you yourself, or a loved one is not in pain. A Grief Observed is just that...pain and how the knowledge of how great pain we can feel changes how we feel about God.

For whatever reason depression and pain separate us from God, yet can also bring us closer to God. In the moment of the depression or pain no matter how close God really is, the person can seldom feel God's love. I remember saying to myself in the midst of ppd "I know God said He will bless me...I am therefore being blessed whether I know it or not." or "this is happiness whether I feel it or not" or "around me there is evidence of the Holy Spirit, so it is here, I just can't feel it."

I don't know why there is so much pain, or how God stands it. It doesn't make sense to me that there are no tears in heaven...at the very least God would be crying.
I've often wondered if Go felt somehow separated from Jesus when Jesus was born to Mary. Did god also feel reunited to Christ by his death on the cross? Were there really no tears or sorrow at either of those moments?

My dear father in law

I have been grateful for my in laws many a time. The tradition comedic image of terrifying in laws just never applied to me and mine. They have been wonderful to me and it has been a pleasure to love them.

My father in law has had a lot of struggles. Eleven years ago he was diagnosed with Parkinson's, a disease that averages ten years from diagnosis to death. Two years ago he was diagnosed with cancer, then in the middle of radiation treatment, he fell down the stairs in their home and broke his neck. He partially severed his spinal cord...millimeters from total paralysis. He worked through recovery and therapy to gain some use of his arms and legs...every movement was a hard fought gain. He still is mostly paralysed. Between the Parkinson's and his neck injury we tease him that he is like Michael J Fox and Christopher Reeve...in other words "He's short, but he can fly!" A more practical application is, his card playing skills aren't what they used to be. He still plays, with the unique box cut card holder creation, but its different than the cut throat competitive experience of old.

Along with all those things as a part of his regular care he has had recurring UTIs which have resulted in hospitalizations resulting from sepsis. The infection in his blood has now reached the lining in his heart. The Internet describes these as vegetative growths, the Dr. in all of his wisdom identified them as goobers. The practical prognosis..two months to live.

There are treatments for endocarditis, the official name for infected heart lining goobers, are difficult. There are antibiotics..or a microbiotic, that can help if the infection is not advanced. Dad's infection is advanced. The other option is open heart surgery. Dad is just not a good candidate for that...we all agree.

So where does that leave us? With a two months (or less as the Dr. reminds us-if the goober breaks off and causes a stroke!) to love and care for dad and mom. Two months to take pictures and make memories. Two months.

to lovers

Fifteen years ago today my husband and I first told each other "I love you". What we were thinking I'll never know, we had known each other a little less than two weeks. That we were attracted to each other was obvious, that we had a lot in common was clear, that we could love each other...possible. At the time it meant such things as, I think about you constantly, I think about spending my life with you, you have a lot of qualities I admire and you are really handsome.

I have long felt that love is not a place you fall, not something that hits you, and definitely not something that is done to you. You do not walk down the road and suddenly "fall in love". That would be describing attraction. Now attraction doesn't have to be merely physical. I was never attracted to people solely on looks, their character was always so dominant in my eyes I couldn't see handsome in an immoral person. I like attraction, it is a wonderful part of relationships, but it doesn't have near the staying power of love.

Love is a verb. That should be clear from the context anyway...in the sentence "I love you", love is obviously a verb. Grammatically and ideally, what we mean when we say "I love you" is that that we are capable of and choosing to be loving towards someone. I'm not talking about the starry eyed things...I'm thinking more of a classic definition of love: "charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily povoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things; Charity never faileth;" (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) Now that doesn't seem to connect remotely with this concept of romance that is peddled by the world. Really what is it that people want though...don't they want that kindness, understanding and patience in relationships? How would marriage change if people really loved the people they "love"?

Perhaps what we mean in those romantic relationships when we say "I love you" is "You are the person I want to love". Or perhaps we mean "I'm attracted to you and can love you". "You are the person I am going to learn how to love with " Now those phrases don"t appear in movies, and would sound rather awkward to say, but are quite a bit more honest. Perhaps there are people out there who are practiced and well versed in love, so that when they reach a marriagable age they are really ready to love. For me, I'm afraid I still have a lot to learn about love. Too often I see the man I love as heap of isn'ts. He isn't something enough, doesn't whatever as much as he should...yet no where in the definition of love is it dependent on what the object of love does or is. Our ultimate example of love, Jesus Christ, doesn't wait until we are something enough to love us. His greatest example of love, was surrounded by sleeping apostles, Judas' betrayal, cruelty of soldiers, the denial of Peter...yet he still loved.

This concept of love is humbling when all it takes for me is a wrong word on the wrong day and I get snappy.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if all the "lovers" in the world, went around actually loving people? Truely giving to them, helping them, listening, being patient, being kind and supportive. How ironic that instead we call people lovers when they are taking from each other and focusing on selfish pleasure...yet as long as they are attracted to each other it's all good.

Here's to true lovers of the world, and especially my dear husband...he happily drives a 15 passenger van, he rotates the laundry on a regualr basis, he eats burned food, he doesn't respond to my moody tirades, he humors my ever changing interests, he changes poopy diapers and the litter box, he works every day so I can stay home, he listens to me, he is patient as I struggle along in my role as homemaker, he is ever supportive in my desire to be a mother and he loves me.

I'm not exactly sure what we knew 15 years ago. In so many ways i feel like I somehow got lucky, or Heavenly Father was watching out for me in my innocence and ignorance. However it worked out...we love each other far more now.

funeral memories..a love story

Shellie and Robbie met in a backyard at a bonfire. Although they only saw each other for a few moments that first night it left butterflies in her stomach and a determination in his mind. He begged, cajoled and pleaded until four months later he got her phone number. On their first date they went to the comedy club, held hands and shared one of what would be many electric kisses. He had a great smile and a disarming dimple. Their second date, Shellie knew she better keep her feet on the ground. They went to chuckie cheese with her four boys-he passed with flying colors. On their third date they talked about marriage...not theirs necesarily. They were married in March of 2001, December of the same year Riley was born. Robbie never once left home without kissing Shellie. Shellie worked as a manicurist in their home, and one day as she was with a client, she called out to Robbie. the client was sure Robbie had gone, Shellie was sure he had not. Finally Shellie said, "he hasn't kissed me yet, he hasn't left." A few minutes later Robbie walked in, kissed her and left. "Now he is gone" Shellie said. They were the coolst couple they knew. Everyone noticed their unique relationship. Her father in law thanked her for making his son so happy. Her sister in law said she was the love of his life and made him whole. Just five years after their marriage Robbie died suddenly of a heart attack, in the arms of his loving wife.

His stepson said he could not have asked for a better stepfather, then promised he would take care of Robbie's wife...this from a teenager. What a man

I deserve or love and serve

This must be a weakness for me because I think I have learned this lesson a few times already. My first poignant memory would be as a mother of two young children. I was nursing one while rocking the other early on a Sunday morning. I grew more and more frustrated that my husband was peacefully sleeping in the other room. He finally woke up, we got ready for church and all the while I steamed. We walked into church for choir practice..we were late and that was obviously his fault. What song was the choir singing. "As I have love you, love one another." Mentally I froze..I noted that they didn't sing..."as much as you feel justified love one another". That one moment has led to a lot of pondering.

I didn't learn quickly. It was only a drop in the bucket. I hadn't learned it enough to have love continually overflowing from my heart.

As a mother of seven children I have frequently been told that my hands must be full. My favorite reply is "you should see my heart!" I love the image of having a heart bulging with love. I have wondered more lately if there are not unused parts of our hearts just as there are unused parts of our brains. Perhaps these unused portions of our hearts can only be accessed when our hearts are pure, or without offense or anger. If we would choose to not give any place in our hearts for offense or anger just imagine how much room there would be for love. Too often I fear I am lulled into a calm security and then a palteau in which I become more worried about how much I am being loved, instead of how I can love those around me. It is true that I need to take care of myself, watch what I eat, exercise and in general try to take care of my health...unfortunately this sometimes turns to looking out for me.

Yesterday morning I was feeling down. I have been sick, my babies have been sick, I have gotten very little sleep. The weekend went by and I did not have a nap. Feeling frustrated and unloved I trudged through the morning, trying to rouse myself with house work, and mentally trying to shove the feeling of offense away. Then I recieved a phone call. My friends husband had died the night before of a heart attack. He was not even 40. My biggest worries were a couple of colds and a lack of sleep..

I have recently read a book called Left to Tell by Immaculee Iibagizia. This faithhful woman survived the Rwandan holocost by living in a 4ft by 6ft bathroom for 91 days-with six other women. During that time she overheard men telling of how they had killed her brother. Her mother, father and two brothers were all killed. She seems to have every reason to be angry, resentful, offended and seeking revenge. Miraculously she spent her time praying and learning English. I wonder how many times I have spent time and energy and heart space being offended even for "good reason". What could I have learned in that time? Immaculee now has a husband and two children whom she loves. She has not forgotten her family or friends. She felt she could mourn them more truely by loving then by hating. She has moved onward and upward, breaking a cycle of hate with the power of her love. "A soft Answer turneth away wrath" Proverbs 3:5.

"As I have loved you, love one another." What a simple, powerful, challenging phrase. How grateful I am that Christ doesn't love as much as He is justified, but instead loves unconditionally. I can visualize Him praying very succinctly in the Garden of Gethsemene, then talking a few step toward the cross, then he could freely turn back and glibbly saying-"that's about as much as you deserve." Logically I realize the falacy of wanting what I deserve. I am grateful heavenly Father's plan is not based solely on justice and fairness. Instead Christ prayed and died because His heart was overflowing with an amazingly complete love for each of us.